The most bizarre sports stories from January 2016

We get it, bro. You're a big Christian McCaffrey fan. We all are. But, jeez, let the guy speak for himself will ya? 

Judging by the cache of weapons confiscated prior to this year's Winter Classic, NHL fans in Boston are all secretly ninjas, mercenaries and/or serial killers in their other lives. 

"Manziel was at a popular night club on the strip Saturday night. The QB entered wearing a blonde wig, a fake mustache, glasses, and a hoodie. Manziel introduced himself as “Billy.” Manziel may not be long for the NFL, but his time in the league has been, um, interesting if nothing else. 

To recap: fans ironically vote in droves to get a journeyman NHL enforcer into the All-Star game, in which they succeed, which does not make the NHL folks happy. He is then dealt to Montreal and subsequently sent down to the AHL, making him ineligible for the game, which doesn't make the fans happy. The NHL then decides that Scott will be the captain of the Pacific Division team, even though he know plays in the Atlantic Division. Got all that? Good. 

There isn't a much lamer reason to get kicked out of an NBA game in 2016 and then banned from the stadium for a year than because you shone a laser pointer into the eye of an NBA player as he was trying to shoot a free throw. 

Brian Urlacher's bald dome became his iconic look during his soon-to-be Hall of Fame career with the Bears, so it was a little startling to see the legendary linebacker sport a look in public that made him look like he was subbing in for the math teacher for the day. 

Texas coach Mack Brown, on how he used 'The Jerry Springer Show' in a pep talk to his players prior to their victory in the 2005 BCS Championship game: “I’m going to tell you something that’s going to change your life and it’s going to help us win this football game if you’ll just listen. If your girlfriend or your wife ever asks you to go on ‘Jerry Springer,’ don’t go. It’s not good. They died laughing and I said, ‘That’s right. Let’s have some fun.” 

In 2015, Clippers fans chanted 'AUS-TIN RIVERS!' after the little-used son of the coach went on a hot streak during the playoffs and propelling his team to a win. 2016 already topped that with desperate Texans fans clamoring for Brandon Weeden to get into the game when injured starter Brian Hoyer started to struggle. Suffice to say, expect Houston to be all over the QB market in the offseason. 

Why anyone, let alone professional athletes, continue to smoke synthetic marijuana after all of these horror stories is beyond reason. But perhaps the case of Chandler Jones will cause others to reconsider. No drug that makes you run to the police station in a dazed state is worth putting into your body. 

You would think by the NFC Championship Game that the referee's coin toss would also be in playoff form, but that simply wasn't the case. Luckily for the ref and the NFL, the non-flipped coin had no impact on the outcome of the game. 

Is there a more 2016 headline than 'professional sports team ban hoverboards'? Just a shame that these hoverboards aren't boards and do not hover, but I digress...

Via The Comeback: 'Harbaugh visited four-star cornerback prospect David Long in Southern California on Monday in an effort to get him to join the Wolverines. Wearing his $8 khakis, Harbaugh played some catch in the street with Long’s family and then climbed up a tree for reasons that are still unknown. We hope it was in some way cat related.'

After spending the better part of this century turning the Knicks into an opening act, their owner is now literally doing the same for himself and his band JD and the Straight Shot, who will be touring with Jewel in 2016. 

The tennis legend revealed in January that he played without underwear during his career, after doing so in a match out of necessity and winning said match. From there, Agassi played the rest of his matches from there on out 'free as a bird', if you will. 

Former NBA player Cliff Robinson has had quite the interesting post-NBA career. Traveling to North Korea with Dennis Rodman, appearing on a season of "Survivor" and now he's getting into the legal weed business, with plans to open up a shop in the Portland area while also advocating for the medicinal benefits of marijuana. 

Despite having the best winning percentage in Cavs history and taking a hobbled team to the NBA Finals (where they beat the Warriors twice, don't forget), the Cavs unceremoniously dumped Davi Blatt, after just a year and a half on the job. Blatt will likely resurface in the NBA, while new Cavs coach Tyronn Lue now has all the pressure in the world on him to help deliver that elusive title to Cleveland. 

Cam Newton rubbed a lot of people the wrong way this season, but none more so than Seahawks fans, who never want to see the Panthers QB in their building ever again: “Cam Newton is one of the most unprofessional, unsportsmanlike individual on the face of the planet. So I say for the 2016-2017 when the Panthers come to play in Seattle he should be banned from entering the stadium. This should teach him to put his arrogance in check!!”

Via the Niagara Gazette: "The roughly 50-second fight song clip is, over the course of seven hours, looped over 500 times. It is played without composer Meredith Willson’s lyrics: which begin, “the word is ‘Fight! Fight! Fight! for IOWA,’ until the walls and rafters ring”; and end, “the word is ‘Fight! Fight! Fight! for IOWA,’ until the game is won.” Certainly a new take on school spirit. 

Anonymous Broncos player, following their drubbing of the Pats in the AFC Championship Game: “I tried to lay on him a few times. I tried to rub my nuts on his face.” Feel free to make your own deflated balls joke at home. 

The already-injured Clippers star could miss any additional two months of action after an altercation with the team's equipment staffer during a night out in Toronto left Griffin with a broken hand. The injury will likely also cost Griffin a return trip to Toronto to play in the All-Star game in two weeks.