NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Devin Harris sounds nasal

Dear Mr. Harris,

At first glance, you appear to have a valid complaint. You were called for a blocking foul when Mr. Crawford elbowed you in the nose and knocked you to the floor. Initially, the call doesn’t pass the smell test. But your nose was running. So unfortunately, that’s not a charge.

Mr. Harris, you say the call stinks, but how could you know that? That blow from the elbow clearly wrecked your sense of smell! And we simply can’t condone going after the officials like that — it’s "snot" acceptable. Besides, were you really going to fight the ref? Come on, we saw how easily you got decked by one little elbow to the face. How hard a shot could it have been when they didn’t even call a foul? Clearly, you’re not a hard-nosed player.

Mr. Harris, we are not picking on you, nor will we be rescinding your technicals. There will be no suspension, but the fine will be nothing to sneeze at. However, we will go back and award Mr. Crawford a fragrant foul.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

 Brandon Jennings vs. JaVale McGee

Dear Mr. Jennings,

We are keeping your flagrant foul in place from this week, when you shoved a three-point-shooting JaVale McGee in the closing seconds. The Warriors may have been beating you by 22 points, and we are sure that was embarrassing, but that’s no excuse for a cheap shot. Thanks to your foul, Mr. McGee got three foul shots and made two, easily above the expected point value for a JaVale McGee three-point attempt, which is 0.

Mr. Jennings, you quoted a basketball expert who said, “You don’t shoot the ball, period. You take a turnover, if anything. Especially you’re up 20 … you’re not respecting the game. You’re just joking around shooting. He had every right to foul him. That’s like a golden rule in basketball.” However, you neglected to mention that the “expert” was your teammate, Bradley Beal.

In one way, Mr. Beal is correct. In every other, more accurate way, he is wrong. This is not a basketball rule, and it is certainly not a golden rule. The Golden Rule is "do unto others as you would have them do to you." Not, “Shove unto others if thou art getting blown out by 20.” Besides, your own team takes three-pointers at the end of blowouts all the time!

Other golden rules:

• Steph Curry may re-insert a dropped mouthpiece, provided it has been on the ground no more than five seconds.
• If a teammate misses a free throw, you still must slap him five and pretend you don’t resent him for it.
• You may no longer yell, “And one!” after the second time you do it and then miss the shot.
• If a player misses a foul shot against Oklahoma City, the Thunder must let Russell Westbrook get the rebound or else sign over one of its assists to Westbrook as compensation.
• If Joel Embiid sees his shadow on Feb. 2, it means six more weeks of rehab.
• I before E, except after Bebe Nogueira.

Instructively yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Rodney Stuckey vs. Lance Stephenson

Dear Mr. Stuckey,

Our deepest sympathies on your recent release and unemployment. However, we disagree that Lance Stephenson should be assessed what you term a “roster foul” when he signed a multiyear deal with the Pacers. You claim that Mr. Stephenson blew in Larry Bird’s ear and reminded him that he had to waive Stuckey before April 10 so his option wouldn’t vest for 2017. You further allege he knew this because that’s technical contract language, and he is an expert in technicals.

Looking at the contract, it does seem clear that Mr. Stephenson definitely committed a turnover when he turned down five years and $44 million and instead will have made $26 million in four years. That’s a costly giveaway. However, five different teams gave up on Mr. Stephenson since he left Indiana, so the Pacers are not getting a steal, either.

This is effectively a double foul. Both the Pacers and Mr. Stephenson are hurting each other, but since neither gain an advantage, play on! However, Pacers team officials are strongly encouraged to separate Lance and Monta Ellis, because that is kindling for a team chemistry grease fire.

Mr. Stuckey, we’re sure some other team will be willing to pass excessively for your services next year, and we’re pretty sure that team is the Knicks. Or try the Clippers — you faced the Celtics in the playoffs 10 years ago, so you’re exactly the kind of player Doc Rivers is looking for.

Born readily yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Draymond Green vs. James Harden

Dear Mr. Green,

We examined the game tape, and video evidence does suggest that Mr. Harden pinched you before you punched him in the arm. And while we do not condone this violent act, we also feel like this is progress for you since you didn’t use your feet at all!

Mr. Green, we think of you as a bizarro version of a soccer player. Soccer players are forbidden to use their hands to control the ball; you’re forbidden to use your feet against an opponent’s balls. We have a zero tolerance policy for you when it comes to kicking: No free kicks, corner kicks, roundhouse kicks or bicycle kicks. You’re not allowed to eat Kix for breakfast. You may only play snare, never a kick drum. You can’t listen to INXS songs “Need You Tonight” nor “Never Tear Us Apart” because they’re on the album “Kick.” And if you ever become addicted to heroin, you must continue using until the end of your career, because you are not allowed to kick. Ever.

We’d like to see you work on cutting down on punching next, whether it’s a superstar’s injured wrist or the air after a foul call angers you. In the case of a pinch specifically, NBA rules specify that you cannot punch, but you may retaliate with a wet willy, noogie, flat tire, wedgie or, in the last two minutes of each quarter, a Hertz Doughnut. No Indian burns, because that term is racist. In addition, we are assessing a one-game dapping suspension. You may only shake hands or high-five teammates, but never pound it out.

As far as Mr. Harden goes, we will be watching his pinching more closely. It appears to be something he learned from a former partner in crime, either Dwight Howard or Khloe Kardashian. Regardless, his claim that we was celebrating “Canadian St. Patrick’s Day” and you weren’t wearing green is simply ludicrous.

Knuckling down, NBA Referee Hotline 

America vs. NBA Referee Hotline

Dear America,

How did you like that NCAA Championship Game? Did you see there were 27 fouls in the second half? How about the play where the refs gave North Carolina the ball even though the Tar Heel was out of bounds? What about the play where Gonzaga’s center got a flagrant foul for getting fouled? Did you like all of the interminable video reviews on easy calls? NBA referees don’t seem so bad now, huh?

For the first four minutes after halftime, there were 11 foul calls. The game had less rhythm than Mark Madsen celebrating a title, more starts and stops than Eddie Griffin in a bumper car, and it was choppier than Benzino clubbing with Paul Pierce. Even the Ying Yang Twins thought there were too many gratuitous whistles!

Can you imagine the calls we’d be getting today from coaches, players, trainers, gamblers and fans if this had been an NBA game? The switchboard would catch fire — the opposite of North Carolina’s outside shooting last night. It’s real easy to knock NBA officials — until you see the alternative. If anyone complains that NBA refs are swallowing their whistles in the playoffs, we will send them a DVD of this game. If anyone says that NBA refs are blind, we’ll show them the play where Gonzaga airballed a three-pointer out of bounds and kept possession. And if anyone complains that superstars get too many calls, we’ll point them to Gonzaga’s star freshman fouling out for breathing too heavily on his opponent.

NBA refs may not be perfect. In fact, in the aggregate, we kind of suck. But at least we’re not college refs.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

P.S. If we get one more message about superstars getting all the calls, so help us we’re bringing in the possession arrow!  

Previously on NBA Hotline Bling

• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Serge Ibaka can't connect
  
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Steph Curry pushes OKC's buttons
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Damian Lillard reviews the call logs
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Coach Budenholzer updates his contacts list
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Daryl Morey burns up the phone lines
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Aaron Gordon drones on and on and on
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: DeMarcus Cousins explores sign language