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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: David West & Tristan Thompson call LoveLine
David West and Tristan Thompson get into an altercation after a play in Game 5 of the 2017 NBA Finals.  Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: David West & Tristan Thompson call LoveLine

As part of the new Collective Bargaining Agreement, NBA players have a hotline to call to complain about the work of NBA refs. And you bet it's still open for the playoffs. It's a place to dispute calls, plead down flagrant fouls, and advocate for yourself – like a small-claims court for very big men. We've provided some replies to these calls, which are about as authentic as the Warriors gear sold at the pedestrian ramp outside Oracle Arena. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: two NBA players are going person-to-person. 

David West vs. Tristan Thompson

Dear Mr. West & Mr. Thompson,

We know that tempers flare in the playoffs, particularly in the Finals, and so we understand the scuffle that happened in the first quarter of Game One. Mr. West was struggling for the ball against Kyrie Irving, and pushed him out of frustration. Mr. Thompson went to Mr. Irving’s defense, with a shove to the back. And then you two locked in on one another, getting right in each other’s faces. All sweat and muscles and passion and surprisingly solid rebounding. You both got technicals, but we couldn’t eject either of you. One, because it might unfairly swing the balance of a playoff game, and two, because there’s a thin line between love and hate.

Love and hate are not opposites; they are two sides of the same coin. After watching replay after replay, it was clear that you looked at each other with raw passion. Passion for fundamental basketball, for the simple pick-and-roll, and yes, passion for doing the dirty work. Mr. Thompson, we have seen you and Ms. Kardashian together, but never have you looked so alive as when you went at Mr. West. It was more than basketball or revenge out there. It was love. You’ve done it before, but Mr. West, when it comes to love, don’t settle for the minimum.

That is why you weren’t ejected, and even though the season is over, we hope you don’t say goodbye to each other forever. Though it goes against all of your basketball principles, leave the lane to romance open. Don’t box out your hearts!

Rooting for your crazy kids, NBA Referee Hotline

Matt Barnes vs. Cleveland Millionaire’s Entitled Son

Dear Mr. Barnes,

We looked into your complaint about the abusive fan from Game 4 in Cleveland, and determined he was Todd Leebow, the son of a Cleveland steel company’s CEO. The Cavaliers did not eject him from the game, as it appeared, merely relocated him from his courtside seats, where he was sitting with some of LeBron’s other friends. However, we believe that while clearly he’s an entitled rich son, in the shameful tradition of 49ers president Jed York or Secretary of Hair Gel Donald Trump, Junior, it’s not really his fault. We blame the dad.

Todd’s father, Dennis Leebow, is a rich man from Cleveland who has multiple seats in Quicken Loans Arena because he gets ejected from his good seats so much, most prominently in Game 1 of last year’s Eastern Conference Finals. He’s a former foot model who danced on "American Bandstand." He has houses in Miami and Cleveland – just like LeBron! – and imported palm trees to his Cleveland estate. He carries limes everywhere he goes for luck. He’s so tan that he was KFC’s first choice to play the extra Crispy Colonel before they settled on George Hamilton. You know what, just Google Image search him. That will tell you all you need to know.

So it was nothing personal: that poor kid and his unfortunate hair was just trying to make his father proud: by yelling at players and acting like a jackass. We can’t promise there will be any lasting consequences, because there won’t be: he’s a friend of LeBron’s, the true team president of the Cavaliers, so his position is almost as secure as James Jones. But sun damage is cumulative, so the Leebow family will likely be heckling an oncologist very soon.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Zaza Pachulia vs. Iman Shumpert’s Testicles

Dear Mr. Pachulia,

We’ve spoken with you on several occasions this postseason, but this one is the most baffling. After you were called for a technical foul in Game 4, you called us claiming you were sexually harassed by Iman Shumpert’s balls, or as you put it, “the frank and also the beans.” However, the video makes it clear that you were the aggressor. Some explanations:

  1. There’s no excuse for slapping him in the groin, even it was a loose-ball situation.
  2. “Showing” on a pick-and-roll is an acceptable defensive strategy. “Growing” on a pick-and-roll makes no sense.
  3. While this would normally justify a punch in self-defense, it did not look like Iman Shumpert was about to start rapping. But yes, he is a terrible rapper

We will not rescind the technical, but there will be no further discipline. Mainly because the Cavs consistently stand over the Warriors with their crotches right in punching range. We aren’t saying they’re asking for it, but it’s very possible there’s some serious masochism going on in that city. After all, LeBron cheers for the Browns. If that doesn’t say “I enjoy pain,” we aren’t sure what does.

Sack up, NBA Referee Hotline

J.R. Smith vs. The Hot Hand

Dear Mr. Smith,

We hear your message with concern. Let’s make sure we have this straight: Ever since returning to Cleveland, your hands have started to feel increasingly warm. You hit five three-pointers in each of those games, but you became concerned when a tiny flame came out of your palm when you made a 30-footer to beat the shot clock. Since then, you literally cannot miss at anything you do.

Ever piece of trash you toss in a wastebasket goes in with a swish. You won nearly 2,500 tickets at Pop-a-Shot in a brief visit to Dave & Buster’s. Blindfolded at a child’s birthday party, you hit a pinata 400 feet with your first swing. You bet $100,000 on unseeded Jelena Ostapenko to win the French Open. You bought a snack from a vending machine, and it dropped a second bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for free. Most shocking of all, you had dinner in San Francisco and found a parking space immediately. That just doesn’t happen!

We’ve consulted the rule book, and there is no rule against playing when you’re on fire, but it sounds like this is negatively affecting your life. It can’t be easy to have your hands made of white-hot flames, to have an announcer falling you around at all times shouting, “He’s heating up!” Clearly this is more dangerous to you from downtown, so we suggest you consult with a doctor in a rural area. And perhaps you’d be cooler if you took off your shirt?

Concernedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Game 4 Referees vs. Draymond Green

Dear Officials,

You called the hotline to explain what happened with the non-ejection of Draymond Green in Game 4, though the score sheet listed him with two technical fouls. And then you called again with a different explanation, claiming you dialed a different phone number the first time. It seemed like you were just covering your asses! Is it because you made 13 calls to the hotline about the Warriors in the first quarter alone, and felt like you had to make up for it? First, it seemed nefarious, but we decide it was probably incompetence. After all, some of your messages were nearly unintelligible due to all the whistles in the background. And the rest were very slow, as you were constantly pausing to study replays for no discernible reason.

No harm done, as the Cavaliers won Game 4 anyway, and the season is now over. But please don’t call us again during the Finals! We have a feeling the NBA won’t give you a chance to anyway.

Disappointedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

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