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NBA hotline bling: Derrick Rose gets disconnected
Derrick Rose is just the latest to make the NBA hotline bling center ring. Stacy Revere/Getty Images

NBA hotline bling: Derrick Rose gets disconnected

As part of the new Collective Bargaining Agreement, NBA players now have a hotline to call to complain about the work of NBA refs. Think of it as a way for players to connect better with fans, since there's nothing that unites NBA fans like complaining about officiating. Each week we'll bring you a selection of totally-real, not-made-up responses from the NBA's referee hotline. When that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing - there's going to be an interminable replay review. 

Re: Derrick Rose vs. The New York Knickerbockers

Dear Mr. Rose,

We received your request and unfortunately, we are not allowed to give out “absence notes” for your team. Even if we could, “I needed space” is not an acceptable reason for missing a game. According to your player contract, the New York Knicks only excuse absences for illness, injury, or seeing J.D. and the Straight Shot in concert.

We would be more sympathetic to your plight, but we checked with Coach Hornacek, and it sounds like you’ve already racked up a few tardies and a detention this season. We also tried to check with Phil Jackson, but it seems that his phone has been disconnected. Based on your assist totals, we are also worried about your academic progress – some of your teammates are worried you’re never going to pass.

This is a big summer for you, Derrick, and we’d hate to see you miss out on the fun of the free agent market because you’re back at Madison Square Garden in summer school. Maybe you could start carpooling with your friend Ron Baker? I’m sure he’d let you take a back seat.

Encouragingly yours,
NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: Draymond Green vs. LeBron James

Dear Mr. Green,

After reviewing the video footage, we do believe that it was proper to assess a flagrant foul after your collision with Mr. James. We agree with the officials’ determination that you led with your shoulder, though you did indeed hit Mr. James well above the groin. You can still receive a flagrant foul even if you don’t kick anyone! Although we do agree that the ugliest kicks in that game were on Steph Curry’s feet.

Also, there’s no such thing as a “fragrant foul,” even if you think Mr. James deserves one because “his acting stinks.”

Sincerely yours,
NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: Jae Crowder vs. John Wall

Dear Mr. Crowder,

We received your explanation for the altercation between Mr. Wall and yourself, and frankly, we don’t believe that you were playing “Got your nose.” First of all, that is a game for children, not professional basketball players. Secondly, it is very clear that you did not at all have his nose. For that deception to work, you have to put your thumb between your index and middle fingers, to maintain the illusion that the thumb is the tip of his nose.

Mr. Wall has also been fined, as the video did not back up his claim that he merely asked, “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” In the future, any noogies, purple nurples or wet willies will be met with the strongest possible discipline.

I know you are but what am I,
NBA Replay Office 

Re: Joel Embiid vs. The Voting Process

Dear Mr. Embiid,

We appreciate your enthusiasm, but calling us repeatedly and yelling “Joel Embiid! Hashtag NBA Vote!” is not what this hotline is for, and does not help with your All-Star vote totals. However, as you suggested, we do intend to trust the process we’ve established here. In regards to your other question, we believe it is unlikely that Chandler Parsons is a virgin.

Encouragingly yours,
NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: LeBron James vs. Draymond Green

Dear Mr. James,

Thank you for your passionate phone call about the flagrant foul in your game against the Warriors. From what we can tell, it sounds like you were falling to the ground every time you described the collision, and also snapping your head back, but honestly, that only made it more difficult to understand you. We aren’t planning any further discipline against Draymond Green, but we are nominating you for a Screen Actors Guild award.

You don’t have to call the Warriors your rivals, or even speak to them at all, but we can’t stop Golden State fans from making crybaby noises in the stands. We also can’t stop Draymond from insinuating that you flopped, saying Trainwreck was a flop, making fun of your flip flops, or going all-in before the flop in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em. I’m not sure in what situation someone would use a floppy disk in 2017, but that’s also not against NBA rules.

See you on the flop side,
NBA Referee Hotline

 

Previously on "Hotline bling" – Green reaches out to touch somebody

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